I’ve talked a little about this before, but for the entirety of 2019, I was a student in Katelyn James’ Business Journey Course.
It was 11 months of intense, eye-opening, deep subjects. One topic each month. And thank goodness, because if she had released all of that information at one time, I’d either be shutting down my business or be an alcoholic. #honesty
Instead of getting a recorded video and homework on our last month of the Journey, Katelyn (yes, we’re on a first name basis) did something of epic levels. She invited all of the students to Richmond to attend a live event. AND what’s even more, she said we could bring our second shooters at no cost! So my sister and I got to take a roadtrip to Richmond and see KJ in person and learn from her in real life instead of on a computer screen.
Before I dive in to my feelings (cuz you know that’s what I do in my blog posts), let me back up and say that I haven’t shared a ton about the things I’ve learned through the Business Journey. Mostly because there was SO MUCH that I couldn’t formulate my thoughts half the time. As soon as wedding season hit, I was pretty much doing the bare minimum: watching the video content. I didn’t do the homework, I didn’t do extra research on the topics and companies she talked about, I didn’t follow through on all of the tasks, I didn’t participate in the live interactions with her. So my plan is to go back through the content little by little and really dive into it. And maybe I’ll share some tidbits along the way 🙂
Ok, back to the live event.
That night, my head was bursting with all the things I wanted to do, all the things I needed to do, and where I wanted to be for 2020. So instead of lying there for half the night thinking about it, I wrote it all down. And that is what I’m sharing with you now:
The vision I see for the next 20 years is not where I want to be- shooting, writing blog posts, waiting for the next big thing, never satisfied or content with the now. The vision I want for the next 20 years is being happy with what I have and happy with myself.
“I’ll be happy when. One day I won’t have this schedule. I have to work this much, I have no other option. I just have to get through the next 6 weeks. If you’re living like that, it’ll never end.”-KJ
This is by far the thing that resonated with me the most. The things I say on a daily basis. The sacrifices I’ve made, were they worth it? The times I couldn’t develop new friendships because I had a wedding to edit. The times the weather was perfect and I told my 14 year old dog to lay on his bed so I could update my website instead of taking him for a walk. The times I was in my hometown to shot a wedding and was too tired the next day to visit the only grandparents I have left. The times I kissed my husband goodbye as he left for his 24 hour shift on Thursday knowing that I wouldn’t see him again until Monday morning because I convinced myself that I had to shoot as much as possible, even if that meant shooting 2 weddings and 2 engagement sessions in 3 days. Was any of that worth what it?
“The fastest way to heal from workaholism is the hardest way. To stop it.”-KJ
It’s easy to be a workaholic when you don’t have children. And maybe not having them is the reason I’m a workaholic. I’ve always had fomo, always wanted to fit in and feel like I belong. Most of my closest friends have kids. If I wasn’t successful, what did I have to show as my accomplishments? Another picture of my dog sleeping adorably? Another trip to Rooster’s? These people are literally growing humans and I’m sitting on the couch trying to figure out which show to watch on Netflix while I edit for the next two hours.
But if I’m working every weekend, editing every week, checking off business tasks every day. Well, I simply wouldn’t have time to raise a family. It wouldn’t be the product of a circumstance, it would be the consequence of a choice.
The reality is, if I’m not working every minute I can, that loneliness and fomo and crushing feeling of not being good enough takes over.
“The secret to healthy business growth is motivation that isn’t associated with ‘keeping up’ or beating anyone else’s wins.”-KJ
The feelings of comparison I carry are weighty. The jealousy that infiltrates my thoughts is loud. It’s not that I’m not happy for others. I truly am. I want the best for my friends and people that are working hard to achieve great things. But as soon as I feel happy for them, it’s like my heart and mind split into two personalities and start fighting over which one will win.
That’s amazing that they’re fully booked for 2020. That’s so cool they started another business they’re passionate about. That’s so exciting they rebranded their business with the best design team out there. That’s incredible they bought a wedding venue/ traveled to Paris/ got another 5 star review/ got featured on this IG account or that IG account/ went to a Taylor Swift concert/ bought a house/ etc/ etc/ etc/ more/ more/ more.
But then that ugly comparison creeps in. When will it be my turn for a dream to become a reality? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough or smart enough or liked enough?
It’s a self destructive path that I’ve traveled all too often. And it’s one that I don’t know how to get off. It’s something I’m constantly working on and don’t like to admit about myself. It’s a great personality flaw that I’ve always had ever since I was little, and I’m only now starting to understand how much it affects my life. That will be another part of my vision for the next 20 years- to stay in my lane.
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